December 2011
“Best, I have a brand new camera. Do you think I should bring it tonight? Or do...”
– Me, because that will most likely happen
My wife was being all kinds of sweet on the phone and then she ruins it with this:
Wife: I'm tired! I don't mean anything I'm saying right now.
LOL
Anonymous asked: I IS GIRL, I IS!!!! HoW u DoIn MAMI!?
Anonymous asked: gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl you is fineeeeeeeeeee! DAYUM!
Anonymous asked: post a picture, please.
“I’m deleting this bitches number. I thought she had a personality. I was...”
– Me
Wife: I'm wearing all black can I wear my brown shoes?
Dane: No you can't wear brown with black.
Wife & Dane: ALS;DKJFOASIDAKDOFKASLDKFBLACKAKLDIBROWNKDFAOokay.
LMAO this phone call right now.
Justin is going to be my midnight kiss:
Tyler: "Are you going to a party tomorrow?"
Me: "No! That's fucking gay. We're going to Brothers."
Tyler: "Is that a bar or something?"
Me: "Yes."
Tyler: "Man. Bars are expensive."
Me: "Okay. Don't come. Suite yourself!"
Tyler: "I never said I wouldn't go."
Tyler: "Are you going to be my midnight kiss?"
*five minutes later*
Tyler: "Lol it was worth a try."
Me: "Sorry I already have someone to be my midnight kiss. My baddddd!"
Work:
Kelvin: "Do you see that tall guy?"
Me: "Yeah."
Kelvin: "He's gay."
Me: "Oh?"
Kelvin: "Yeahhh.. He likes me."
Me: "Oooh."
Kelvin: "Yeahhh."
Me: "How does this make you feel?"
Kelvin: "Well.. I'm flattered, but at the same time a little creeped out."
Me: "I understand."
Kelvin: "Looking back I see that he's been flirting with me this whole time, so now I can just feel him undressing me with his eyes."
Random:
Me: "I'm giving him your number."
Ashley: "O.o you would do that to your own wife!?"
Me: "Mhm."
Ashley: "Sad panda."
Me: "Lol whatt!?"
Ashley: "He's going to think I gave him the wrong number on purpose!"
Me: "I'm going it right now. Lawlz on you!"
Ashley: "I'm gonna give your number to crazy lesbians on Tumblr!"
Me: "Lol do it. I don't care. I'd like it."
Oh God:
So.. I was being polite and held a door open for some random creeper guy who had to be mid-thirties, wearing a baseball cap that was ten years old, and had gaped teeth. He goes, “So what are you doing today?” I just looked down at my clothes, pointed, and said “working.” “Oh I hear ya,” he said. This is when I was like, “okay tiiiight! Bye.” This is...
DAMN YOU ASHLEY!
Jillian: "Wtf did your voicemail say?"
Me: "I'm moving to Africa."
Jillian: "Wtf?"
Me: "Yeah."
Jillian: "No you aren't."
Me: "Yes."
Jillian: "No."
Me: "I have to."
Jillian: "Why the fuck?"
Me: "I have to help tame lions for zoos."
Jillian: "You're nuts. Seriously."
ohshiney-deactivated20111231-de asked: Tag, you’re it! Here are the rules: Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people. Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them. No tag back. Fucker<3